Shaay: Yo, you sure about this?
Ace: Yo, I’m positive, bro. I need you out the car so I can go on a date. I can’t be pullin’ up at a date with a hommie ridin’ shotgun. That’d just be weird.
Shaay: I’ve found some of ’em hookers but
Ace: How many times I gotta tell ya, man, they’re escorts, not hookers. Women don’t like to be called that.
Shaay: I can’t call ’em hookers? The fuck?!
Ace: I got 40 miles to school you, so listen up! You can’t…
Shaay: I can’t…
Ace: LISTEN, man! This ain’t no 4th of July shit, stop repeating what I’m sayin’. Just listen. You can’t overword it, mkay? You call the number and you gotta be precise. It’ll go like so: ‘Hey, my name’s Ace, are you available in like 20 minutes? I’d like to swing by. Oh, yeah? Lemme know how much money I should bring and where should I come? Thanks, honey’. And try to smile about it too, people hear your sobbing ass through the phone. First 5 seconds out of each conversation are gonna determine the whole tempo.
Shaay: Okay, so aaa…
Ace: Nigga, ‘Hi, I’m Shaay, or whatever the fuck yo name is’.
Shaay: It’s Shaay.
Ace: Yeah, you shy.
Shaay: Yeah, that’s how you pronounce my name.
Ace: Yo, I don’t have time for this. I need you all hookered up before I reach the next city, get me?! ‘Hi, my name’s Shaay, I was wondering if you’re available. How much money should I bring with me and where should I come?’
Shaay: ‘How much money, my name is…’
Ace: No, nigga, you say yo name first. Fuckin’
Shaay: ‘Hi, my name is Shaay, how much money?’
Ace: Noooo, nooo, you don’t… oh my God. Virgin ass motherfucker, ‘Hi, my name is Shaay’.
Shaay: ‘Hi, it’s Shaay’
Ace: How you gonna say hi it’s Shaay, the bitch ain’t know you! It’s not like you used to buy milk for her grandma when she wa’ ill. ‘Hi, my name is Shaay’.
Ace: Hello what?!
Shaay: Aaaa, I forgot, man.
Ace: Bro, hello, I’m Shaay, are you available, how much money, where.
Shaay: Got it, got it, got it, stop yellin’.
Ace: If you ain’t a fuckin’ idi…
Shaay: Lemme look over them profiles!
Ace: Yo, it’s been 15 fuckin’ minutes, we almost there, wha’re ye doin’, man, fappin’ ova them fake photos?
Shaay: How’dja mean fake photos?
Ace: 90% o’ these hoes
Ace: Of these escorts don’t have their face on that there website.
Shaay: So who’ma gonna fuck?
Ace: You pick one!
Shaay: But if it ain’t…
Ace: Nigga, it don’t matter, they like one o’ those coffee jukebox machines, you put a dolla in and they suck a dick.
Shaay: But what if…
Ace: Bro, I needja out the car in 10. Did you call any?
Shaay: Did you hear me call any?!
Ace: Well, what have you been doin’?!
Shaay: I’m buildin’ up.
Ace: Buildin’ up what?! Are you gonna propose to them?!
Shaay: I ‘aven’t done this shit before.
Ace: Man, it’s how I told you. Hello, my name is, are you…
Shaay: I know, man, stop it with your fuckin’ poem already.
Ace: Then call, asshole, and get outta the car!
Shaay: Wait, it’s ringin’.
Ace: Thank fuckin’…
Shaay: Yo, hello, it’s Shaay.
Ace: (what the fuck, man…) **right hand on the wheel, raises left hand towards Shaay in disapproval**
Shaay: **hands over the phone**
Ace: Yo, getcha fuckin’ phone back, why you handin’ it ova to me fo’?!
Shaay: I thought you wanted it…
Ace: Bro, tell’er the poem!
Shaay: It’s… aaa… **hangs up the phone**
Ace: **lets silence sink in**
Ace: Nah what the fuck was that, man?
Shaay: I forgoooot, for fuck’s sake.
Ace: Yo, tell it to me again, you forgetful buffoon. Can’t even remember your mom’s birthday, cryin’ shame.
Shaay: Hello, my name is Shaay, are you available? Why should I ask her how much money I should bring? Why not just say ‘How much for a shag?’
Ace: What shag, are you Austin Powers now?! Bro, trust me. These girls are particular about who they fuck with. They don’t have a pimp. She’ll start screening you from the moment they pick up the phone. Their mind is like clockwork. If you ask for something other than oral and regular sex they’re out. If you haggle, you lost them. If you make silly jokes on the phone they’re out. They’ll even screen you at the intercom, saying ‘Step back, so I can see you real quick’, and if you’re old or you look like a wanker game over.
Shaay: This is hard, man.
Ace: For a fucking weirdo like you of course it is. That’s why you have me. Make the call!
Shaay: **phone ringing** Hello, this is Shaay, are you available? How much should I bring? Where are you?
Ace: **to himself** Let her answer each question, my ni..
Shaay: Yeah? **gaping**
Shaay: Yeah? **smiling**
Shaay: Yeah? **looking like an idiot with a hard-on**
Shaay: **articulating each word** The. Easter. Vigil…
Ace: WHAT EASTER VIGIL! Gimme the phone!
Ace: Look heeeeere, hoe!
Ace: Walkin’ strudel, if I want you to be, cuz I’m payin’ the money! Now listen up! How’ you gonna be Christian and go to that fuckin’ Vigil when you a hoo… escort?!
Escort: All my family’s going…
Ace: Fucka family, we’re your family! We’re paying you money! Plus, you don’ wanna be sittin’ there, waitin’ for Almighty to never resurrect surrounded by all your ex-clients holding a candle with a plastic wrapper round it lookin’ like one o’ those punished dogs that can’t scratch itself…
Escort: The fuck are you talkin’ bout!
Ace: I’m talkin’ bout a fucking dooooog, okay?!
Escort: No, what are ye talkin’ about!
Ace: Yo, I need you to fuck my man tonight, I have a date!
Escort: **speaks to Ace**
Escort: **tells Ace something**
Escort: **speaks to Ace**
Ace: Yeah but…
Escort: **hangs up the phone**
Shaay: The hell happened?
Ace: I got a date… I got a… with a hooker.